I hate Medical Checkups

Once in a while you have to endure this disgusting yet mandatory checkup. I know it is for your own good, you come to know lot of stuffs about yourself, what to do, what not to do, what to eat, what not to eat etc etc blah blah but still I have to say this, I hate them.

So you go with a long list of tests that are part of your package and which you will have to somehow complete. You stand in a long queue (not because I was late, people already thronged in before sunrise) waiting for your turn and hand over the paper saying you want these tests to be done and fill up a form.

Remember you are on 12 hours of fasting. First one is the blood test. They pierce a hole into your vein and drain out 3 bottles of blood (kidding, 3 tubes of blood). I am scared of needles and the sight of blood makes me puke most of the time. So I look to the other side while am being drained of my hard earned blood when the nurse asks me, ” are you alright?” I nod my head in affirmation without uttering a word because if I open my mouth, I might prove otherwise.

Next, you are handed over a dabba to fill in with your urine sample, yes it might be from the previous day. A tray is shown were you have to deposit your sample once collected. You know the same tray contains samples from others, yellow, dark yellow, brown colours… Anyway, I take my dabba to the restroom to collect my specimen. In the rush I forget to keep the dabba ready and all the liquid is wasted and there is less than 20% in the dabba. I try to generate pressure to squeeze more urine but no way, it is empty. The moment when you get so angry at your bladders for not producing enough urine as and when required. I wait, walk inside the restroom to create urine inside the bladder. After what seemed like 10 minutes, I get some urine again and fill the dabba, close the dabba, lest the nectar falls out and takes it to the tray. Even though its my own urine, I don’t like it when people look at me whilst am carrying the specimen. I hid it behind my hands and deposit it somehow.

What’s next? The chest x-ray. Seeing my 40k golden chain, the x-ray specialist asks me to get rid of it. And then she guides me to a changing room where she asks me to remove my upper garments and change into a checkered one piece clothing. Such a confusing dressing which made me feel like am cross dressing. I am asked to stand on a plate with my chin resting and asked to take a deep breath while the x-ray happens. Done! I like it for the fact that it is quick. And then I change to my own clothing again.

Next is the ECG, matters of my heart. Here again top garments are not allowed or rolled up. Some jelly is applied on hands on legs and on chest area. Spooky spongy clippings are attached on legs and hands which makes you think you are handcuffed and legcuffed before a fifty shades of grey night. Then some vacuum weirdos are placed on your chests and you are asked to relax. Well I can’t relax at all in this condition when its chilling cold with these metal pieces clamped onto my body. And then its completed. You are handed one tissue to wipe off the jelly, all of it.

Next is the breakfast, that is served free (or included already in the package) – 3 idlis and 1 vada served with sambhar, chutney and saucy tomato chutney. By this time, I was super hungry and I can’t even say whether it was tasty or not. I just pushed down the food into my mouth like someone who hasn’t seen food for a month.

Now I have to wait for 2 hours for my next blood sample to be taken. Oh crap! What do I do? I call up random people, do browsing and then bang! No charge in mobile, best time for the mobile to betray my only ray of hope! I walk, I sit, again repeat, watch others etc etc for 2 hours and then again blood taken in a small tube. ‘You people made me wait so long for this?’

Next the fitness doctor, I seriously don’t know what he does. Checked my eyes and hands and wrote a letter, ‘ drink 3 litres of water daily’. I said okay and that’s it the dreaded health check came to an end. Now I have to come tomorrow to collect my reports.

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